Given the recent spate of articles from the NY financial press, all virtually interchangeable in their treatment of the lawsuits, 60 Minutes coverage, and the subpoenas, I thought I would cut to the chase and save everyone a bunch of trouble, and develop a list of mandatory points that need to be included in any slam piece. That way the journalists can use their valuable time more wisely than writing hatchet jobs – like playing poker with their hedge fund buddies...
Here are the points that should be covered, along with graphical reference guides for those journalists who are a little sloweee sloweee on the readeeee readeeee:
1) Declare the lawsuits to be a battle against short sellers. Ignore that the lawsuits are clearly complaints against front-running doctored research reports containing false and misleading info crafted by hedge funds trying to drive the price of the companies down. Instead, insist that short sellers are being persecuted - which will set you up for number two.
2) Declare that short sellers are good for the market. Cite one of the several pieces created to reinforce that point. Ignore that the cases aren’t about that. Just proceed as though they are. Most won’t understand any distinctions, so as long as you sound suitably indignant, you are home free on this obfuscation.
3) Pronounce companies that complain about short sellers to be suspect, and call their complaints “whining” or “moaning”. If possible, attack the fundamentals of the company, as well as the integrity of the management team or CEO. Cite examples of companies that have “whined” about short sellers that turned out to be scams. Never acknowledge for a moment that the companies you are writing about aren’t complaining about short sellers, but rather market manipulation – silly distinctions like those are for sissies and losers. They are whiners, and probably crooks – that’s all you have to say, early and often.
4) Castigate any supporting media, like 60 Minutes, or Time, as having been “duped” by the evil, all-powerful companies. They were misled, which is how they arrived at their conclusions. This should be cited as evidence of a CEO-led conspiracy against the innocent short sellers, who are good people.
5) Declare that the SEC is either also being duped, or used by the CEOs, again as part of the CEOs’ nefarious scheme. There is no way that the subpoenas and formal investigations into the hedge funds and research organization and journalists are based on hard evidence built during months of investigation. Ignore that probability, and instead play the victim card – and if you can introduce any racial or religious or other persecution criteria, so much the better. Take a chapter out of the classic, but failed, Michael Milken defense – they are being persecuted by “the man”, and are national treasures, not parasitical miscreants bent on destroying companies for profit. Ignore any data cited as a rational basis for the investigations - that's all propaganda by the evil-CEO-led cabal.
6) Insist that the subpoenas to the journalists were a gross overstepping by the SEC, and further insist that this is a 1st Amendment issue, not an investigation into a collusive, RICO stock manipulation involving a few bad apple reporters. Remember, you are outraged – how dare the SEC investigate crime on Wall Street – especially if reporters are involved. They should be entitled to blanket immunity from any requirement to be held to the rule of law – repeat this as though it made any kind of sense, and eventually most might believe it.
7) Ignore all data that suggests that the hedge funds/research company/journalists might be guilty. If you don’t write about it, the average buffoon reading your piece will never know it exists. Why confuse the reader with the mountain of data that paints a compelling picture that the CEOs/companies have legitimate grievances? Again, you know the truth, from God’s mouth to your ear – you are a journalist, damn it, and you are gifted with the ability to innately and instantly know the truth in all things – especially things relating to very powerful hedge fund friends of your editor and publisher.
8) Proclaim that anyone that is anti-market manipulation is a malcontent, or a stock promoter, or on the take, or nutty as a Christmas fruitcake. They are flat-earthers, UFO and Yeti enthusiasts, psychos, lunatics, deluded paranoid fools. Never mention the phalanx of authorities that share their perception of systemic crisis. They are all nuts – that’s all the reader needs to know.
9) Tie it all up with a reminder that short sellers are good, the companies are whiners, the CEOs are crooks or kooks, the journalists are victims, and that the media and regulators are being duped by the Machiavellian scheme put forth by the CEOs.
10) Never, ever use the term naked short selling in anything but a mocking and derisive way, and absolutely never mention FOIA evidence. That is bad, bad, bad. Remember, this is about victim billionaire hedge funds being persecuted, not about some stupid “facts” and “figures”. Those are for losers.