As the continuing story of market manipulation unfolds, and as it becomes increasingly obvious that some hedge funds and some members of the media are in hot water, I thought it might be helpful to create a primer for those folks to use when they are caught red-handed. In the venerated manner of all Wall Street crooks and most politicians, these techniques are accepted, and well understood – but are only as effective as your ability to look sincere and keep a straight face.
Additionally, if you are a journalist, you can insist that "the man" is trying to "put a chill" on your important work, which may well include colluding with hedge funds so they can make billions at the expense of the public. But we are trying to keep this generic, so have left that self-explanatory technique out of the mix
It helps if you are a sociopath, as well, but given the target audience for the primer that is a given.
In my own simple way, I use the example of a man caught stealing a pig - clearly guilty, and being confronted by the police, pig prominently clutched under his arm.
So here are the top ten ways to handle your difficult situation:
1) Deny everything, and act puzzled. You aren’t stealing a pig. There must be some confusion.
2) Claim to be a victim of something. Race, religion, politics, whatever. Remember, you are not stealing a pig, you are a victim of oppression.
3) Attempt to convince the accuser that he is a moron, and has it all wrong, has bungled the true definition of the problem. Any claim will work here, no matter how outlandish – remember to be forceful, and if you can, re-define the problem.
4) Create an argument over semantics.
5) Argue that you are simply following established norms, and should not be singled out for persecution. This isn't about pig stealing, it is about driving a few miles over the speed limit...
6) Refuse to answer any queries, insisting that it is beneath you, or that you aren’t required to on account of your unique standing or importance in the industry/community.
7) Argue from authority. You are important, and far above pig stealing. You don't even fit the profile of a pig stealer. Have fun with this one.
8) Baffle them with bullshit. Argue that you can’t have stolen the pig, as there is no such thing as steal, or pig, in your lexicon/reality. Terms like moral relativism are helpful, as are existential abstracts, or nihilism.
9) Insist that the charges are incorrect. There can’t be any pig-stealing going on, as there are rules against doing so. Same as the naked short selling argument advanced by the apologists for the practice - it can't be going on, as the rules forbid it.
10) Change the terms of the accusation – you aren’t stealing, you are liberating. You aren’t counterfeiting, you are increasing liquidity. You aren’t defrauding people, you are combating other frauds. Be creative. Again, it doesn’t have to be believable, you just have to be committed to repeating it as though it was truth.