Update - 2PM EST - Dr. Byrne will be addressing the packed JP Morgan conference today at 4 PM. Listen in by clicking here.
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In one of his conference calls, Dr. Patrick Byrne recounted how an angry hedge fund manager threw an ashtray across the room, presumably in a fit of pique. This has entered the popular psyche, and has given form to un-tutored imitation - with sometimes disastrous results. This has to stop. Please, all you Wharton and Harvard grads, pay attention - this is easily as important as which Patek conveys the right power-structure message, or which tie goes with the herringbone weave.
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“The time has come, the walrus said
To talk of many things
Of ashtrays and their heft and weight
And physics of the flings…”
When throwing a full blown hissy-fit, there are few things as satisfying as picking up some object and hurling it across the room. Nothing says out-of-control borderline-personality disorder like a good old-fashioned tantrum-chuck. But what to throw? Chairs are impractical, as often, the flabby, flaccid musculature of the true Wall Street impresario isn’t up to the task – plus, the weight of the average Henry-Miller chair makes it impractical.
Telephones are good, but the cords are an issue (backlash, as in fly fishing, can be problematic), and while paperweights might have some preliminary appeal, what kind of pussy has paperweights these days?
Ipods are too trendy, PDAs too expensive, bottles too messy, prescription anti-depressant bottles too flimsy. A scotch tumbler is appealing, but can send the wrong message to subordinates.
It’s a conundrum.
Sadly, for the modern male, the metro-sexual chic that is the post-modern office is conspicuously deficient in providing for cathartic instruments suitable for enraged outbursts, or for conspicuously underscoring one’s intensity. Political correctness has robbed the 21st Century male of virtually all means of expression.
Except for the ashtray.
This noble, timeworn instrument is both light enough for even a bantam-weight to fling with authority, and ubiquitous in high-pressure work environments. Thus, our trusty friend comes to the rescue, and the average hedge fund manager or research toady can bemoan his fate with abandon, and impact.
But lest the uninitiated set themselves up for humiliating failure and mockery, the Bunny has organized a simple primer to assist those running big money, and wanting to make big moves. There are some important ground-rules necessary to be aware of; once mastered, then you too can be proficient enough to let loose whenever the mood strikes you…
1) Choose a suitable shape. Don’t get taken in by the aesthetic appeal of topical designs, or mementos from favorite landmarks or nightspots. Not only are the physics and aerodynamics important, but launching an Eat At Joe’s clunker or an ornamental container lacks appropriate gravitas. As a general rule, avoid any sort of fruit motif – sleek and conventional beats trendy every time. This is serious business, and you need a serious ashtray. Don’t get cute.
2) Hurl as a discus thrower, not a schoolgirl tossing a ball. This is important. Nobody wants to see a spoiled, self-indulgent megalomaniac fling an ashtray like a four-year old. For appropriate velocity and distance, always think disc and rotation, not flipping or pushing air. Don’t fight the atmosphere – use it for lift.
3) While glass has a certain heft and weight, modern synthetics are far more resilient, and won’t leave post-tantrum dilemmas like who needs to clean up what. It’s ‘06, babe, glass is so 1998…
4) For maximum control and impact, try to avoid flinging your chosen object when furious. Calculate when and how this important statement is made. While it can be gratifying to let loose when in a blind fury, try to find the inner sense of peace that will ensure maximum control. Use the energy and feng-shui of the situation to your advantage – be the ashtray.
If you adhere to these simple directives, you too can make the next leap from hissy-fit throwing blowhard to serious angry mo-fo, whose every enraged outburst will be taken seriously. When practicing, always use protective eyewear, and don’t be discouraged by a lack of proficiency – everything takes some getting used to, and you didn’t climb to the top of your heap by giving up. Keep at it, and you will be a pro in no time at all.
But please. No wagering. That is illegal in all states but Nevada, and Atlantic City, and on some Indian land – and no way would a high powered player be caught dead during business hours anywhere near those places…