In the spirit of helping all the unfortunate folks that haven’t had a chance to follow along with the unfolding saga of the brave freedom fighters in our financial press (AKA ex-TSCM choagie Herb Greenberg and blowhard CNBC personality/co-TSCM owner Jim Cramer), the Easter Bunny would like to provide a simple, easy guide to dealing with the niggling annoyances that a federal subpoena from a regulator can cause. So consider this a primer.
Step 1: Conceal all evidence of being served, especially if you are a publicly-traded company. Unsophisticated investors might think that means you were up to no good, or that the company is in deep doo-doo. You owe it to your shareholders to keep this confidential as long as possible – what they don’t know, can’t hurt them, or at least not you, for now. Sell any shares you have of any public company that is party to the subpoena before announcing - you wouldn't want to profit from inside information should the markets celebrate the news. If you can sell just days or hours before announcing, even better, as it shows you aren't cowed by the insider trading rules - those are for pussies.
Step 2: Practice your best outraged, indignant denials. “How dare you, what do you take me for?” is good, “I, sir, am a divinely inspired soldier of truth, justice and the American way!” is better, and “I wipe my #ss with your stinking POS subpoena, you baboons!” is best. The more outraged the better. Imagine you're a gin-drunk Tourette's suffering longshoreman - let the expletives rip! Don’t worry, the regulator will no doubt immediately drop the silly investigation, as your assurances that you've made your many millions and bought your home in the La Jolla hills with 100% honestly-generated money should be good enough for them.
Step 3: A simple graphic is probably the easiest way to articulate this important step:
That’s right, throw the stupid annoyance away, or better yet, deface it and talk about what a bunch of Nazis, or fascists, or repressive dictators the regulators are. At no point admit that there may be any reason to be investigating your actions. Throw in an "F you" for good measure. Have fun with this!
Step 4: Deny everything, and change the story to one about your persecution. Blame everyone else, hint broadly that “they” are out to get you, no doubt as you are the last honest man. Repeat. Practice in the mirror if you break into nervous laughter when doing this at home. Try not to look like a poop-eating guilty dog when you do it, and don’t let the pitch of your voice run away from you like a schoolgirl at a Hilary Duff concert. And stay off the devil's dandruff no matter how badly you need "just a taste" to get by. You don't want to be Ray Liotta in Goodfellas when the copters come. Actually, nobody wants to be Ray Liotta, or Keanu, for that matter, copters or no...but I digress....
( Reminder: Don't be a guilty dog...)
Step 5: Assert your God-given right to do whatever the hell you want, and point out that nobody can tell you what to do, as you represent a higher calling. Being a member of the press works well, or alternatively, claim to be some religious or racial composite given to persecution. Note: avoid claiming that you are a female Tibetan monk if you are a white male that went to Harvard. Use common sense here, but feel free to be creative. Virtually everyone can claim to be persecuted by someone – make sure that you leave the motives of “them” to the imagination – retribution, to silence your voice of reason, a grand conspiracy, secret societies – again, virtually anything works. If you like, feel free to select one item from each column below, and insert it into the blanks, to construct your response:
___________A_________________ is/are conspiring with _________B_________ to persecute and silence me because of my ___________C____________, and I won’t yield to their power. I’ll never give in!!!
It’s just that easy!!! If you can convince a struggling media outlet to allow you to use it as your bully pulpit, so much the better – like voting in Chicago, do it early, and often.
And of course, get all lawyered up, and threaten to sue anyone that mocks you, especially if a holiday rodent.
Any questions?